Sunday, April 21, 2013

adoption update

sooo, many things have changed since my last writing.  this is good though.  hear me out :)
the day before we were to go to the attorney to start the process of john adopting lillian and sebastian, the kids' dad, we'll call him joe (cuz thats his name!  haha), called.  he wanted me to come to his work and talk to him at break. let me tell you its been a while since i have had a sit down one on one conversation in a car alone with my ex husband lol.  nothing was sugar coated.  he decided to take  his parents up on their offering of him moving in with them.  they are having a zero tolerance policy with him.  no lies, no drinking or no home.  he had decided to do this in the best interest of himself and the kids.  it was very difficult with yet again another whirlwind of emotions.  i had heard this story before.  but knowing just how close he was to losing something forever i thought i would give him a chance.  he wanted to just pick the kids up the next day like nothing happened (it had been a month since they heard from or seen him).  john and i thought that wasnt a great idea so 2 days later i picked joe up and  him and i waited for the kids to walk to my house.  it was a strange few minutes.  the kids didnt run up to him and embrace him like i thought maybe they would.  they walked up.  they kind of looked around, at the ground, at me.  glanced at him.  was very odd.  then we all kid of made small talk.  both kids read books to him on the fornt lawn.  then he had a little heart to heart.  he told them none of this was their fault and that some major changes would take place.  no more promises to be broken, no more lies.  we then took him to work.  wondering what tomorrow would bring.
tomorrow brought good stuff.  the next day and the next day too. since april 8th he has picked the kids up at school for the hour to hour and  half he has between thm getting out of school and him going to work.  he did his entire weekend two weeks ago and even a few hours of mine while i was in florida. this weekend he got them from school friday and he still has them sunday night and will take them to school in the morning.  the 3 of them rode bikes down to our house today to check in and say hey. tonight i had to bring some school clothes to them.  warmed my heart to walk in to  a quiet game of candy land between the 3 of them at the table.
we are all rooting for this to continue.  this is the best scenario for everyone.  joe behaving, staying out of and away from trouble.  the kids not having to wonder why their dad decided to not be a part of their lives.  i worried about john's feelings.  he says not to.  while their last name wont change now, neither will the fact that they are two lucky kids to have TWO dads who love them

Sunday, March 17, 2013

where to even begin...

    This blog finds me well.  i saw that i havent posted since june of 2012, seems weird.  i swear it was just the other week.  time flies i tell ya.
   work is going great, i finally feel important and needed, and semi in charge.  we usually get done and out on time and things are very fair  workload wise.  i am learning to better communicate with the latinos.  i still feel like a lot of times they are talking crap about me right in front of my face, but for the most part they go out of their way to be nice to me.  for example, the other day i dropped my surgical scissors in the pit,  they are pretty much a goner.  two days later one of them hands me a box  i open it and there are my scissors!  most of you dont know what the "pit" is, so the easy definition is the 6 foot or so underneath all the sows.  its filled with water, and the not so lovely things that come from sows who eat and drink and have babies.  he went down in there and fished through that stuff for me! the scissors aren't cheap.  they weren't getting replaced.  and im the only one who uses them.  so how sweet was that!
  i am proud to report i have lost 46.8 pounds since december 17th.  work helps a lot with that.  how many other people get to be walking or lifting something 7-8 hours a day?  it isnt all that though because i weighed the most i ever weighed aside from being 9 months pregnant while working this job.  i have been eating wise.  it is difficult sometimes eating separate from the rest of the family.  i cook for myself. or i separate my portion to make mine healthier and know exactly what my portion is. no one else wants to participate.  which is fine.  we dont eat out like ever anymore which saves money for sure.  if we do end up going out we go to applebees like last night for a delicious under 550 calorie meal. yum!
in 6 days amity is turning 3.  this is upsetting to me as i want her to always be two.  i have never wanted a kid to stay any age forever as i want her to stay two.  fortunately, i have another future two year old coming up.  atticus turns one eight days after amity turns three.
in april john and i are flying to my company's condo is ft myers florida for our 5 year anniversary.  free use of a condo in florida, how awesome is that?!
ok, enough of the chit chat.  the reason i am finally sitting down to write this is because we are about to experience a huge life change, yet not big at all.....
most of you are aware that lillian and sebastian are my kids from my previous marriage. they are 6 and 7.  john and i have been married for 5 years here in april.  he is no stranger to their lives.  they call him dad.  we all live together under one roof and dont differentiate.  we dont use the term "step" or "half sibling".  had it not been for an ignorant babysitter we had once the kids would have never heard the term half sister or brother anyway. (grrr, whole nother story)
the kids' dad used to be good at being a dad.  he would get them for his weekends, and his wednesday night.  slowly he started to not do those things.  he took an over the road truck driving job.  slowly but surley his time he spent with the kids dwindled.  without outing his entire personal life here, lets just say he has some substance abuse problems.  he lost the truck driving job from a dui.  still dwindling.... we went times where we didnt hear from him for a week or two.  he might come get them for a few hours.  he would always tell them when he left that he would be there tomorow to get them and promise some fun activity like the park or ice cream.  then wouldnt show.  it is so frustrating.  lillian stopped believing him and rolls her eyes.  sebastian on the other hand, nothing could ruin his faith in that guy.  he would get so mad at me and tell me that maybe he had to work!  or he overslept, or got called into work.  sure, buddy :(   some days he would call me in tears telling me he was going to try harder.  he would do so good for a few days.  he would get the kids from school.  help with homework, get them a snack etc.  he couldnt keep them long because he took a 2nd shift job after the dui.  but he was showing up!  like we try to explain to him, you dont have to be perfect, just show up!  here recently he hasnt been coming again.  the few times he got them on the weekend he wouldnt get out of bed.  he was mad they wanted entertained.  they are 7 and 6 he says, they shouldn't need entertained.  one day they had to make their own runny oatmeal and then he wouldn't make them lunch till 2:30 when he got up.  one day lillian called me and asked that i come get her because he had been sleeping for 5 hours and she was bored.  thinsg are falling apart here..  last saturday he moved out of his apartment.  said he couldnt afford it.  so he dropped the kids off (he couldnt move and watch the kids).  march 9.  he dropped them off and a large tote of clothes of theirs.  after he left i looked in the tote.  tons of clothes, socks, underwear, etc.  i looked at john and i said "he isnt coming back."  little did i know....
march 11th i got a text (yes a text over this serious matter) that said "i think its best if i sign the kids over to you 2.  im not a good dad.  im ready to face it".   know who saw that text before me?  lillian.  my phone was in the kitchen.  she heard it, grabbed it to bring it to me and read it on her way into the living room.  now this isn't the first time he has said this.  but something was different.  the clothes, his recent standoffishness.  so i respond telling him that im not going to argue with him but he needs to know what this entails.  he calls and asks what i mean.  i told him that it means forever.  you cant change your mind in a month if we go through with this.  i bawled, he remained emotionless.  he told me he turned off his emotions too often while on the truck so he wasn't always sad.  he said he is able to do that now.  he just doesnt care. he cant handle them (they are good kids...ok lillian is really good and sebastian is almost a typical 6 year old boy).  we ended our phone call with him still adament this needs o happen, and me so sad for him and the decision he is about to mke, and yet excited to begin our lives as a "Parent" family, not the parents and a couple baughns too lol.
two days later i texted him to ask again to make sure this is what he wants.  he remained confident this was the right decision.  so i started researching.  in ohio there is no such thing as a father simply signing off his rights.  there has to be a formal adoption to take place.  which is definitely what we would have done ayway, but had no idea the process that has to take place for this to happen.  john and i both have to fingerprints, him a background check, a home study done by a social worker, john has to live with the kids for at least 6 months from when they say "go". its doesnt matter that he has always been here and the kids do not rememeber a time before john.  i texted their dad again explaining all his and begging him to please tell me before we go dropping nealry $4,000 and him not sure.  he assured me "im sure"
  Lillian and Sebastian and i sat down for the hardest conversation of my life.  how do you tell a kid their dad doesnt "want" them?  how do you make it sound like it is all his fault not theirs without saying horrible things about their dad?  Lillian took it well. like i said before i think she has given up long ago, tired of the heartbreak.  she flipped her switch as well.  after she read the text her immediate response was "Sebastian is going to be so upset"  she was correct.  my little boy tried so hard to be a man through it all.  the tears were there (and here now again too, dang it) but he didn't let them fall.. i told him it was ok to cry.  through his cracking voice he says "that would be embarrassing...i am six  years old"  i followed with "Sebastian you are only six years old, now you cry."  he let it out.  i held him on my lap as he sobbed and sobbed.  Lillian let it out too.  she tells me she guesses she isnt so tough after all.  so there sat the three of us bawling together on the couch. me trying to answer their questions. we thought about the positives as well.  no more wondering if he will come.  no more him sleeping while they hang out at a boring apartment.  matching last names.  Lillian was so excited that the 3 little kids would be her real siblings now.  we could get a rock for out front that reads "The Parents" we can have a big ol adoption party!  since the talk, if it comes up sebastian will talk about it for a bit then he decides when we stop.  it reminds me of the "zip it" part of austin powers lol.
i asked their dad to write them a letter, tell them its not their fault  its nothing they did.  i can save it for them or give it  to them now.  his response to that was "tell them to look me up when they are 18 if i am still around"  wow, gut kick right there.  i didnt share that info with them. this whole situation has been weighing heavy on my mind.  i often wonder what thoiughts filled my head before this came up!
as of now we have an appointment set up with an attorney on april 4th.  our anniversary....  in the mean time we can get our prints done and get long forms of the kids' birth certificates. its all surreal right now.  at this point i dont think it would be healthy for him to come back and "try" again.  the healing process has started, lets not re open any wounds. i asked him if he has talked about this to anyone, he said it is no one elses business.  i disagree, they have grandparens that love them, aunt, uncles, cousins.
 we have been trying to keep the kids minds off of this.  im sure its there, but we are being especially nice to them.  the loss they suffered is kind of a big deal.  last night we loaded everyone up for a surprise trip to build a bear.  the $189 bill at check out wasnt cool but they had a great time.  i didnt want to ask sebastian what he wished on his bear heart for fear i knew the answer.  today he asked me if i wanted to know what he wished.  i reluctantly said yes.  shew, his wish was that the bear was around forever and that the dog wouldnt eat it, hahahah.
i got a text from the kids' grandma, their dads mom.  she asked that i call her, she had a question.  uh, oh, here it is.  i was sure that the blame for this would be put on me somehow.  i called.  all she wanted was to see if she could get the kids every thursday after school for supper.  she had no idea.  but i figured now was as good a time as any.... i told her the news.  you could hear the heartbreak in her voice.  sad for what was happening, and sad for her sons state of mind that would allow him to do this.  she said that she thought she could probably go there and talk him into changing his mind, but maybe that wouldnt be for the best.  omg thank goodness.  we spoke at length and she is in support of this, sad as she may be, she knows its best.  i told her that as long as we could remain on the same page and i could trust her that we would be able to work things out.  this isnt their fault.  they shouldnt lose the kids as well.
  so, sorry for the giant blog but that's  where we are right now.  this wont be as big of a change as the kids might fear as he has weaned himself off them over the years.  but the ultimate blow of actually hearing it and having put so blunt will probably lead to some emotional scarring.  but we are all very fortunate that john has welcomed them since day one with an open heart and open arms.  we have often fantasized about this happening, but never quite imagined it would.  my heart aches for their dads heart in the future if he ever figures out his life and has to wonder "what have i done".  but right now i cannot worry about everyone's feelings as i have my own and the kids to worry about as well.  wish us luck in our journey and for johns adoption :)

Thursday, June 28, 2012

it's fine, who needs money anyway, right?

  i am trying to remain positive in light of all the things that keep happening to me, but i think its time for a break!  as everyone knows i went back to work part time.  it worked out for our schedule and our finances.  there wasnt a lot of playing room in the ol check book, but we managed it well...
  june 18th was like any other day, john went to work at 9.  what was a bit different was he was back at 1030.  he was "let go" from his 7 year long employment at tom ahl.  no warning, no real reason. come to find out later it was probably because they needed to make room for employees from the recently bought out findlay tom ahl store.  he wasnt the only unfortunate person.  so, while he has sent out many resumes and even had an interview, our future is uncertain.  he has 2 more weeks to see if he is even eligible for unemployment. heck, verizon is already calling...
  i definitely enjoy having him around during the day though, thats for sure.  an extra set of hands is always nice!  we have never spent this much time together.  i am getting better with it.  at first it was weird, he was all up in my day.  now we take turns sleeping in, making lunch etc.  i could get used to this!  if only he got paid to help around the house!
  it always feels as if when it rains it pours.  im frustrated that im paying off a $700 water bill from my previous renters, also frustrated that i sent a $125 check for a phone i never received.  i dropped and broke my new camera.  my week old scale broke (i was able to return it though). i hate saying no to the kids when they want something.  i know things will turn around for us, but waiting is no fun.
  BUT, we are all alive and healthy.  we are enjoying our summer.  lillian turned 7, sebastian is close behind her to turn 6 next month.  leyton, amity and atticus all had wonderful well child exams.  amity is on day two of potty training and its going great.  atticus is a fun happy smiley baby.  my company (paid) picnic is in a few weeks, and my diet is going great.  so despite all the above bull, things besides money are perfect.  and thats whats most important :)

Thursday, June 7, 2012

we're going to have a mexico!

ok a few updates to get out of the way.  i returned to my job at the pig farm.  i attempted to quit by email telling my boss that i couldnt work 50 hours a week first shift anymore with such a large family and sitter bill.  i told him that maybe if i could work different hours and part time i could probably stay. (there are no other shifts, or part time people)  So i thought i would be told no that it wasnt possible and i would feel ok to quit at that point.  instead they LOVED the idea! so, my own special valerie hours are 3:30 to 7:30 or 8:00 or 8:30, whenever valerie feels valerie hours are over.  my sole purpose there is to help the sows who may have difficulties having their babies, drying babies, making sure the babies are nursing and warm and happy.  i do some laundry and  other odd jobs sometimes.  my job is to walk, and walk and walk.  up and down the hall, up and down the back of each side of each room.  i work all alone.  i thought i might be scared but im not.  i actually LOVE me time!  after all day with the kids at home i have no problems going.  sadly, compared to home its quiet.  first week back my feet were hurting, now im good.
anyway, back to my title.  after 5 kids john says we are done.  heck he said we were done after 4 hehe.  pregnancy was something special to me, as it is to most im sure.  i loved each new week knowing something big was happening.  i always have gotten pregnant easy, stayed pregnant easy, had easy births, etc.  i guess pregnancy is just kind of "my thing".  im trying to get used to the fact that i cant do my thing anymore.  so, i had a great idea.  im giving myself a "due date."  its in march of next year.  its 9 months from now.  its diet time!  each week will be exciting as in pregnancy.  each week i WILL have accomplished something!  and at the end, i am going to mexico!  and, maybe i will just wear a two piece suit lol.  so as in pregnancy, each week will be exciting with one big huge thing happening at the end :)  the april following my march due date is john;s and my 5 year anniversary too, so something special was in order anyway
granted, this isnt the first time i have dieted.  actually just before i got pregnant for atticus i had just lost 60 pounds.  oopsy.  so, i know what i am doing and how to do it.  this time i think it may be the easiest for a few reasons.  being as how i am alone at work there will be no donuts or cakes for birthdays.  theres no vending machines.  what i bring for my dinner there is what there is.  cant cheat if i dont bring bad stuff! not to mention all the walking i do is like free exercise.  i am on day four of operation lose this weight...again. so far, so perfect.  i have an app on my phone called "lose it"  its awesome!  i recommend.. you track all your food and it has it all stored with graphs and how much you have eaten and may still eat.  you add your exercises etc.  also has a bar scanner so you just scan the food and it puts it all in for you.  it really is nice.  last time i used a food journal and it helped a lot.  same thing, just less writing :)
i took my parade of kids for a walk today.  felt like longer but we walked .7 miles.  i pushed the two little ones in the stroller and the other 3 walked.  its good for us all to get moving. i plan for us to walk daily as we try to get into a routine.  i jump on the elliptical too as atticus and his non stop eating allows lol
so, things at home are busy but i feel they are going well.  and after i lose 60 more pounds and go to mexico, maybe ill just get pregnant there, ok john?

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

that wasnt so far lol

  forgive me as this post is old news now, ive been a little busy :)
march 30th, my due date, the good doctor told me we could have a baby.  i was 40 weeks, and she has a family practice and i think the weekend looked like a good option for us all.  we didnt rush to the hospital.  i know they starve ya there, so we ate at donatos, went to the mall,  went home, picked up the older kids from school, told them what was happening, packed their bags, took another shower, etc. i was an emotional mess during this whole thing.  i wanted the baby, but i wanted to stay pregnant.  it just seems so final, yet its just the beginning.  i was sad to leave my suddenly two year old baby behind. would she love me when i got home? i cried as i told them bye, i cried to the hospital.  youd think the crying would have lead to dehydration and labor! well after we left my parents house where the kids were staying i realized lillian didnt say goodbye.  i blew it off, saying shes like me, just rather avoid the situation than look like a baby haha.  later my mom texted me that she found poor lillian, not so strong, hiding under the table crying. she was worried i was going to hurt, or have a c-section.  no more baby shows for her! 
  things started pretty quick.  i was 3cm when i got to the hosptial.  those same 3 cm that got my hopes up 3 weeks prior that we'd have a baby before the end of the month.  i got my i.v and my ice chips and my gown.  lets do this.  they started the pitocin.  around 6 dr krendl came and broke my water.  contractions werent awful.  i seriously contemplated no epidural this time as the anxiety of that procedure took over.  the nurse encouraged me to make up my mind as this could go very quickly.  again, thinking back to my previous epidural that was horrible in so many ways, i finally reluctantly said ok.  the 7 foot tall anesthesiologist was giving me a hard time that he wasnt sure he could give it to me since i didnt act like i needed it.  then he said he would have hard time knowing if it worked if i wanst hurting in the first place.  im good at hiding pain from strangers.  :)  seemed like prep time for him was forever, then he said he was done.  best ever!!! i never even knew he had finsihed!  smooth sailing from here right?....
  i dialted to 5cm fairly quick.  then 2 hours later i was still 5cm.  uh oh.  each contraction got harder for the baby.  his heartrate dipped dangerously low (61 was the lowest i saw).  we had to do something.  posistion changes, on my side, other side, one leg up, on and on.  nothing worked.  our baby was stressing bad. they figured he was on the cord. so, more extreme measures were taken.  i had to assume the posistion of knees and elbows.  i had to wear oxygen. they refilled my uterus full of water to try to get the baby to float off his cord.  i couldnt turn my head. i felt so awkward, on display.  i kept leaning on my iv lines, setting off buzzers, etc.  awful awful awful.  i could only half feel my legs, my elbows hurt, you get the idea. just when i seriously thought i couldnt take it anymore they said i could turn over and see what happened.  i was so hoping for a 7 or 8cm.  the nurse says "shes compete!"  what!? what about 7 8 and 9?  we cant skip those!  lol. i was not prepared for that all at once.  seriously, a half hour to go from 5-10 in a half hour?  made me almost forget the ridiculousness of the posistion lol
everyone scurried around to get things ready.  i made john take some cell video of the actual pushing and birth.  i told him no crotch shot, instead it was push faces lol. the video is priceless now and i cry when i watch it. i had to do a "practice push" which like every birth produces the baby's hair.  4 total pushes and i had a wet slimy baby on my stomach.  he cried, even though his color was bad from all the stress.  he didnt need any special care though.  8 lbs 13 oz, 22 inches long.  he was just two ounces smaller than amity but felt twice as big.  coulda been the 15 inch head? 
my hosptial stay was routine.  people visited, nurses were pretty good.  i got 3 hot meals served to me. i sent atticus to the nursery at night and slept better than i had in a month.  he took to nursing right away.  i let him have formula at night in the nursery to fill him up as my milk wasnt in yet. he had one bottle of formula at home as well, but now we are full fledged nursing.
as he was punctual for his due date (just 38 minutes late), he has quite the internal clock.  my mom works 3rd shift and i text her when i get up to feed him.  i can say ok i will talk to you at 3.  by 320 im texting mom again lol.
as for the transisition from 4-5 kids...honestly i havent really felt it yet.  the van is kind of an issue as every one of my kids is in either a booster or a car seat, buckling is difficult as every spot is filled.  but, the kids are good helpers and mostly do their own thing.  amity may be a little emotional lately but she did just turn terrible..err i mean two.  and she has lost a little sleep since atticus wont let us sleep quite till 11 like we got used to.
im tossing around some ideas right now that may be major changes for me.  working 50 hours a week may not be in my future.  im running out of time to decide what i am going to do, but im 75% sure there will be  change around here.  still thinking....

Friday, March 16, 2012

last few hours? days? weeks?

i cant believe for some reason that im still pregnant. right now this is the third longest pregnancy and soon to be 2nd.  will it be the  longest? im not complaining, though.  i seriously do love being pregnant.  i find it amazing.  last night john and i were just watching the baby move.  its fun how different the first movements are compared to the last ones.  hes definitely out of room, believe me lol.  its fun to watch a foot or knee slide from one side of your belly to the other.
im also getting impatient because i want to see this guy!  john says he will weigh 7 lbs 7 oz.  i could smack him lol.  my guess is 9 lbs 2 oz.  i already know what he will look like in my mind, like the other 4 lol.  they all could have been the same baby at first.  leyton looked different in the next few weeks but the other 3 were pretty similar.
i would like my body back though, for sure. as i mentioned above 9 pounds is a lot of baby.  my biggest baby so far was 8 lbs 15 oz and i dont rememeber her being room hogging lol.  and i should rememeber as it wasnt even 2 years ago yet.  amitys birthday is march 23rd.  her due date was march 30th.  this baby is also due march 30th.  fun, but i hope they each get their own special day.
having the baby starts my countdown back to work.  i am NOT looking forward to that.  we dont have a sitter lined up for the kids, especially the summer.  with all the guidelines and laws and such no one can legally have "room" for 5 extra kids. but omg i could not stay home and stay sane
so right now i am busying myself by sleeping til 10 or 11, hanging out with the two little ones while the big kids are in school, and buying and selling on the facebook garage sale sites.  i do a lot more selling than buying though, so its a healthy habit haha
so how bout this weather? i had sold all of my boy clothes when i found out amity was a girl.  she was the "last" baby so i started selling.  so, i had to buy all new (to me) clothes for the new kid in town.  wouldnt ya know i bought march appropriate clothes?  nice little snowsuit and all lol
so for now, i will just hang out and concentrate on every little contraction like feeling...and have it turn into nothing.  at times i forget that the baby really is going to come.  then we will have 5 kids!
we cant wait to share the news of the arrival and tell people his name we have somehow managed to keep a secret :)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

however you spell a long scream goes here

dont mean to be a negative nancy here, but, oh wait, yes, yes i do
my number one problem right now is my job. i am 98% sure my boss is trying to make me quit.  how else do i explain me going to him in tears on several occasions begging him not to make me do  to the hardest, hottest, heaviest lifting job at the farm and him acting concerned then telling me 5 minutes later to go do that job?  i also have a doctors note excusing me from that job. too bad, so sad, go do it anyway.  what would he care if my fetus fell out?  he wouldnt, because my fetus doesnt pay as well as sow fetuses. now he is turning my co-workers against me.  he cornered one and was fishing for info about me. asking if i was complaining.  well duh i am! when i have appointments for kids or my doc i make them as late in the day as possible.  i put in 102 hours per pay period.  now suddenly me leaving 15 minutes early in a  day is being documented as "valerie left early". i must have missed the spots that said valerie stayed and worked over time and time again.
    on to the next thing that sucks.  i am over 20 weks pregnant with my 5th kid.  no thats not the part that sucks lol.  the part that does is i have still yet to feel any movement from the little dude/gal. i know every pregnancy is different and a lot of people dont feel anything til around 20 weeks, especially first timers.  well its past 20 weeks, and im, not a first timer.  i go back to the doctor on wednesday, and i am trying my darndest to wait that long.  but im scared.  the only thing i do feel is contractions.  they dont hurt, but they are frequent.
next sucky thing-- i  am in the middle of a child custody revision with my ex.  we both agreed on the revision and were both working with my lawyer so we could avoid court and all the bs that goes with it.  this started over a month ago and he was supposed to have it all done and signed before our scheduled court date nov 15th.  well guess what.  havent seen anything, so too late now, court tuesday.  then i can get more documentation bout missing work. not to mention my poor kid has had a toothache for amonth and half.  taking him to the dentist the 21st, will also be more time off work and more ammunition when i am kicked out on my ass with no insurance or a job and pregnant.  that guy is going to hell. (well, if it was my decision he would be)
so i got away for the weekend. it was all good and great.  but now it it back to reality.  john is being less than supportive.  he thinks i can just go ahead an just stop thinking about it.  wow.  how does one do that? maybe if it was one of the above mentioned problems, but its many all at once.  i could really go for some bedrest and sadly it prolly isnt too far from that.