where to even begin...

    This blog finds me well.  i saw that i havent posted since june of 2012, seems weird.  i swear it was just the other week.  time flies i tell ya.
   work is going great, i finally feel important and needed, and semi in charge.  we usually get done and out on time and things are very fair  workload wise.  i am learning to better communicate with the latinos.  i still feel like a lot of times they are talking crap about me right in front of my face, but for the most part they go out of their way to be nice to me.  for example, the other day i dropped my surgical scissors in the pit,  they are pretty much a goner.  two days later one of them hands me a box  i open it and there are my scissors!  most of you dont know what the "pit" is, so the easy definition is the 6 foot or so underneath all the sows.  its filled with water, and the not so lovely things that come from sows who eat and drink and have babies.  he went down in there and fished through that stuff for me! the scissors aren't cheap.  they weren't getting replaced.  and im the only one who uses them.  so how sweet was that!
  i am proud to report i have lost 46.8 pounds since december 17th.  work helps a lot with that.  how many other people get to be walking or lifting something 7-8 hours a day?  it isnt all that though because i weighed the most i ever weighed aside from being 9 months pregnant while working this job.  i have been eating wise.  it is difficult sometimes eating separate from the rest of the family.  i cook for myself. or i separate my portion to make mine healthier and know exactly what my portion is. no one else wants to participate.  which is fine.  we dont eat out like ever anymore which saves money for sure.  if we do end up going out we go to applebees like last night for a delicious under 550 calorie meal. yum!
in 6 days amity is turning 3.  this is upsetting to me as i want her to always be two.  i have never wanted a kid to stay any age forever as i want her to stay two.  fortunately, i have another future two year old coming up.  atticus turns one eight days after amity turns three.
in april john and i are flying to my company's condo is ft myers florida for our 5 year anniversary.  free use of a condo in florida, how awesome is that?!
ok, enough of the chit chat.  the reason i am finally sitting down to write this is because we are about to experience a huge life change, yet not big at all.....
most of you are aware that lillian and sebastian are my kids from my previous marriage. they are 6 and 7.  john and i have been married for 5 years here in april.  he is no stranger to their lives.  they call him dad.  we all live together under one roof and dont differentiate.  we dont use the term "step" or "half sibling".  had it not been for an ignorant babysitter we had once the kids would have never heard the term half sister or brother anyway. (grrr, whole nother story)
the kids' dad used to be good at being a dad.  he would get them for his weekends, and his wednesday night.  slowly he started to not do those things.  he took an over the road truck driving job.  slowly but surley his time he spent with the kids dwindled.  without outing his entire personal life here, lets just say he has some substance abuse problems.  he lost the truck driving job from a dui.  still dwindling.... we went times where we didnt hear from him for a week or two.  he might come get them for a few hours.  he would always tell them when he left that he would be there tomorow to get them and promise some fun activity like the park or ice cream.  then wouldnt show.  it is so frustrating.  lillian stopped believing him and rolls her eyes.  sebastian on the other hand, nothing could ruin his faith in that guy.  he would get so mad at me and tell me that maybe he had to work!  or he overslept, or got called into work.  sure, buddy :(   some days he would call me in tears telling me he was going to try harder.  he would do so good for a few days.  he would get the kids from school.  help with homework, get them a snack etc.  he couldnt keep them long because he took a 2nd shift job after the dui.  but he was showing up!  like we try to explain to him, you dont have to be perfect, just show up!  here recently he hasnt been coming again.  the few times he got them on the weekend he wouldnt get out of bed.  he was mad they wanted entertained.  they are 7 and 6 he says, they shouldn't need entertained.  one day they had to make their own runny oatmeal and then he wouldn't make them lunch till 2:30 when he got up.  one day lillian called me and asked that i come get her because he had been sleeping for 5 hours and she was bored.  thinsg are falling apart here..  last saturday he moved out of his apartment.  said he couldnt afford it.  so he dropped the kids off (he couldnt move and watch the kids).  march 9.  he dropped them off and a large tote of clothes of theirs.  after he left i looked in the tote.  tons of clothes, socks, underwear, etc.  i looked at john and i said "he isnt coming back."  little did i know....
march 11th i got a text (yes a text over this serious matter) that said "i think its best if i sign the kids over to you 2.  im not a good dad.  im ready to face it".   know who saw that text before me?  lillian.  my phone was in the kitchen.  she heard it, grabbed it to bring it to me and read it on her way into the living room.  now this isn't the first time he has said this.  but something was different.  the clothes, his recent standoffishness.  so i respond telling him that im not going to argue with him but he needs to know what this entails.  he calls and asks what i mean.  i told him that it means forever.  you cant change your mind in a month if we go through with this.  i bawled, he remained emotionless.  he told me he turned off his emotions too often while on the truck so he wasn't always sad.  he said he is able to do that now.  he just doesnt care. he cant handle them (they are good kids...ok lillian is really good and sebastian is almost a typical 6 year old boy).  we ended our phone call with him still adament this needs o happen, and me so sad for him and the decision he is about to mke, and yet excited to begin our lives as a "Parent" family, not the parents and a couple baughns too lol.
two days later i texted him to ask again to make sure this is what he wants.  he remained confident this was the right decision.  so i started researching.  in ohio there is no such thing as a father simply signing off his rights.  there has to be a formal adoption to take place.  which is definitely what we would have done ayway, but had no idea the process that has to take place for this to happen.  john and i both have to fingerprints, him a background check, a home study done by a social worker, john has to live with the kids for at least 6 months from when they say "go". its doesnt matter that he has always been here and the kids do not rememeber a time before john.  i texted their dad again explaining all his and begging him to please tell me before we go dropping nealry $4,000 and him not sure.  he assured me "im sure"
  Lillian and Sebastian and i sat down for the hardest conversation of my life.  how do you tell a kid their dad doesnt "want" them?  how do you make it sound like it is all his fault not theirs without saying horrible things about their dad?  Lillian took it well. like i said before i think she has given up long ago, tired of the heartbreak.  she flipped her switch as well.  after she read the text her immediate response was "Sebastian is going to be so upset"  she was correct.  my little boy tried so hard to be a man through it all.  the tears were there (and here now again too, dang it) but he didn't let them fall.. i told him it was ok to cry.  through his cracking voice he says "that would be embarrassing...i am six  years old"  i followed with "Sebastian you are only six years old, now you cry."  he let it out.  i held him on my lap as he sobbed and sobbed.  Lillian let it out too.  she tells me she guesses she isnt so tough after all.  so there sat the three of us bawling together on the couch. me trying to answer their questions. we thought about the positives as well.  no more wondering if he will come.  no more him sleeping while they hang out at a boring apartment.  matching last names.  Lillian was so excited that the 3 little kids would be her real siblings now.  we could get a rock for out front that reads "The Parents" we can have a big ol adoption party!  since the talk, if it comes up sebastian will talk about it for a bit then he decides when we stop.  it reminds me of the "zip it" part of austin powers lol.
i asked their dad to write them a letter, tell them its not their fault  its nothing they did.  i can save it for them or give it  to them now.  his response to that was "tell them to look me up when they are 18 if i am still around"  wow, gut kick right there.  i didnt share that info with them. this whole situation has been weighing heavy on my mind.  i often wonder what thoiughts filled my head before this came up!
as of now we have an appointment set up with an attorney on april 4th.  our anniversary....  in the mean time we can get our prints done and get long forms of the kids' birth certificates. its all surreal right now.  at this point i dont think it would be healthy for him to come back and "try" again.  the healing process has started, lets not re open any wounds. i asked him if he has talked about this to anyone, he said it is no one elses business.  i disagree, they have grandparens that love them, aunt, uncles, cousins.
 we have been trying to keep the kids minds off of this.  im sure its there, but we are being especially nice to them.  the loss they suffered is kind of a big deal.  last night we loaded everyone up for a surprise trip to build a bear.  the $189 bill at check out wasnt cool but they had a great time.  i didnt want to ask sebastian what he wished on his bear heart for fear i knew the answer.  today he asked me if i wanted to know what he wished.  i reluctantly said yes.  shew, his wish was that the bear was around forever and that the dog wouldnt eat it, hahahah.
i got a text from the kids' grandma, their dads mom.  she asked that i call her, she had a question.  uh, oh, here it is.  i was sure that the blame for this would be put on me somehow.  i called.  all she wanted was to see if she could get the kids every thursday after school for supper.  she had no idea.  but i figured now was as good a time as any.... i told her the news.  you could hear the heartbreak in her voice.  sad for what was happening, and sad for her sons state of mind that would allow him to do this.  she said that she thought she could probably go there and talk him into changing his mind, but maybe that wouldnt be for the best.  omg thank goodness.  we spoke at length and she is in support of this, sad as she may be, she knows its best.  i told her that as long as we could remain on the same page and i could trust her that we would be able to work things out.  this isnt their fault.  they shouldnt lose the kids as well.
  so, sorry for the giant blog but that's  where we are right now.  this wont be as big of a change as the kids might fear as he has weaned himself off them over the years.  but the ultimate blow of actually hearing it and having put so blunt will probably lead to some emotional scarring.  but we are all very fortunate that john has welcomed them since day one with an open heart and open arms.  we have often fantasized about this happening, but never quite imagined it would.  my heart aches for their dads heart in the future if he ever figures out his life and has to wonder "what have i done".  but right now i cannot worry about everyone's feelings as i have my own and the kids to worry about as well.  wish us luck in our journey and for johns adoption :)